It has been many years since I last wrote. Life gets in the way. One's self gets in the way. It does not have to be only physically getting in the way of things, it is also mentally and emotionally getting in the way of things.
I have recently discovered that I am on a journey that I never knew I was on. I could say that my head was in the clouds or that I was just not paying attention or that I was selfish and focused. I could even say that everything was/ is normal. I don't know, maybe for me it was normal. No, there is no maybe. For me the life that I have known is normal.
I have been struggling with both emotional and mental anguish. I have hid things in fluff and shallowness. Never thinking that there was anything wrong with me and my situation. In the end I am wrong to have thought that.
I never wanted what others wanted out of life. I don't even think I ever really wanted love because I don't know how to love myself let alone anyone else. Sometimes I don't know if I want to. I don't hate myself but I'm not to overly fond of myself, either.
I'm scared. I'm going to be getting help with my scattered thoughts and emotions that I may have. This is part of my journey, that I am finally being honest with myself, that I need. Desperately. The darkness and greyness that has been me is being addressed and faced and I really don't know if I can handle it or B. S. everything. I don't want to B. S. any of it and if I do it will be out of fear.
I know that I am not that smart. That nothing has really held my interest, except for the occasional writing and reading. I miss reading. That's something else I need to fix. Reading is easier fix than fixing one's self.
So with this said and a lot more left unsaid, let me begin taking baby steps on this part of my life.
At least I got this wrote before my cat decided to get in my face
