Sunday, October 26, 2014

Fighting Anxiety

 I have been debating whether or not to post what is written below or delete it. If I did delete it would be, I believe, the fourth post on the topic of anxiety to have this done to it. The writing was to an extent cathartic.

  I am now feeling better thanks to my two antidepressants, which are low dosage or at least one is, that I'm taking. So the following thoughts do not apply right now and I hope not ever again because it was very bad and very scary for me. I went on Facebook and said that "Gone crazy because I can't quit crying and have taken my antidepressant.I don't know why either. RA (Richard Armitage for those that don't know he is an English actor) does not help. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am so lost. Help me somebody. I am scared." Rereading what I wrote and then writing it again is heartbreaking and I want to cry because of how low I got. Blessedly I had a lot of support that night and a few days afterwards from my Facebook friends, some of who are also Twitter friends. I would be lost without them.

Thank you again my friends for your love and support.

Remember the following was my state of mind on October 11at what turns out to be just after 10pm my time. All is good now. :

 Diagnosed with anxiety a week ago and was given medicine one of which takes two weeks to rework and the other works immediately and to be used as a bridge until the first one works. Well, joy of joys I thought that the first one kicked in a week early and I was fine and dandy. Officially that was yesterday because it is now almost one in the morning the next day and I am suffering from insomnia again. It was nice to kind of pass out after the first few days but I still had the crying for no reason and am starting to feel that way again.

All of this has been going on for months, maybe even years, and like I said I just really now decided to get help. I mean what else can one do when they are about to have a crying fit in front of one's doctor because none of your doctors can figure out why your blood pressure and heart rate numbers are out of whack. Plus with encroaching darkness, which has not been THOUGHT of since I was ten years old and has never been regretted until recently. Somewhere in me is some kind of sense that came through when I felt my lowest that kept the feeling of it being ridiculous to regret what I did not do at ten years old.

With ALL that being said I sit here tonight/morning and feel like I have had it. Now I feel like I am biding my time. No life. No family of my own, parent and extended family are not counted in this thought. I am tired of being alone and yet I am passed wallflower shy.